reconcilation – Spiritual Sun Pennies

108) The Oak

The Oak Tree

Feeling like a lost child, frightened and alone, I quickly stuffed a few overnight essentials into my back pack, tossed it into the car next to my sleeping bag and began the familiar two hour drive to the family cabin in the North Woods. I needed some space to breathe and begin to process the unimaginable – the disintegration of what I had thought was a forever marriage. I had missed all the warning signs and been oblivious to what was happening after 36 years of being together. To help me keep my mind from racing and retracing the scenes of these past few days, I placed a CD into the car player and began to listen to a story that described the second half of the spiritual life.

The author spoke of a large oak table that stood at the center of the family’s life. Meals were shared there, homework assignments completed, friends invited for cookies and milk, chats enjoyed with mom and siblings all centered around this table. Then in a dream, the table had vanished! The author saw this as relating to her spiritual life, with the table representing the solid structure of her early faith. The idea of it vanishing led her to the deeper recognition of the presence of God Whom she couldn’t see, but Whom she knew in her heart was always there, solid and stable as that oak table had been. It was calling her to a deeper trust in God’s care for her, “to walk by faith, and not by sight.” This spoke directly into my current situation where all the outer trappings of our marriage were being pulled out and I too was being called to a deeper trust in God’s care.

Pulling into the dirt driveway in the shade of ancient pine trees I arrived at the cabin, unloaded my few belongings, and enjoyed the comfort of being in this familiar setting. Our family had been coming here for summers since I was one year old, and amid the various moves in life since then it had remained my favorite destination. The walls were all classic knotty pine and the furniture was oak, crafted by a family friend who had been in the furniture business. The story of the oak kitchen table was fresh in my mind as I admired the sturdy dining table and chairs. All the names of my immediate family members were sandblasted onto the backs of the chairs around the dining table, and I felt their love and presence there with me in this time of trial. A wall of windows looked out on the lake where summer breezes were making ripples on the lake, and ducks were bobbing in the sun speckled water.

Being in the cabin had calmed my spirit a bit, but the rustling of the leaves was calling me outdoors to receive the graces that being in God’s creation always brought, so I decided to take a walk to the little lake a mile or so into the back woods. As I rounded the bend in the trail just before the lake, I stopped short and my heart sank. The giant oak tree that had always stood there lay broken and shattered on the ground! I stepped closer to look at the tree, and saw that it was hollow, just as our marriage seemed to be. I had loved that tree since I was a child, climbing up in its strong and sturdy branches. Our children had done the same, loving to perch high up in the tree to savor the beauty of the lake and the cranberry bog that surrounded it. I even had a picture on the refrigerator at home of my husband and me sitting together at the base of the tree! The parallel between the oak kitchen table and this massive oak tree that lay before me now spoke clearly to my heart. To me God was saying He knew all that was happening to me. My name was carved on the palm of His hand, just as our family names were carved on the oak chairs around the dining table. He was not surprised, but rather had been preparing me for what He knew would be a hard trial. In His goodness He had prompted me to listen to that particular CD, then brought me to this place and showed me this fallen tree. I cried for a while, but then smiled as I recognized God’s providence unfolding before me, calling me to that deeper trust and total dependence on Him which He desired. In my heart I knew He would be with us as we navigated this unexpected and painful path.

I lingered at the lake for a while, and then headed back to the cabin. Longing to hear God’s words for me, I picked up the Bible that was kept on the little table next to the bed, and carried it to my oak dining table. Opening it “at random,” my eyes fell on Isaiah 6:13: “He will be like the stump of an oak tree that has been cut down. The stump represents a new beginning for God’s people.” The Bible at the cabin has a different translation than the one at home. The wording of this translation was a perfect gift from God to me.

“The stump of an oak tree…a new beginning for God’s people.” My first thought at the lake was that God knew all about this; that He knew us intimately and lovingly. Although the first sight of the fallen oak had brought tears, it had been followed by the warmth of God’s love, revealing His tenderness and mercy. He wouldn’t just show me this and then abandon me – no! He would be with us, to strengthen and sustain us in what was to come. “A new beginning,” a promise of God’s provision and faithfulness.

This all happened twenty years ago, yet the memory is still so very fresh. It’s been a difficult road, but the image of the oak tree with its reminder of God’s intimate love has remained. I have experienced a new beginning, especially in the deepening of my relationship with God and the path to holiness that He’s leading me on. His grace has been the source of deep healing in the relationship with my husband, with much forgiveness and reconciliation, though we’ve remained living apart. We’re together for family celebrations and holidays, always exchanging a heart-felt hug and a quiet “love you.”

Now when unexpected experiences surprise me, I’m reminded that God is never surprised! He knows all about it, and He has prepared me with what I will need to navigate the circumstances. This has brought great peace to my heart, which I can then bring to the situation and share with my fellow travelers.

Thank you, Lord, for the image of the oak tree which remains with me as a sign of Your provision and hope for the future. You promise new life and resurrection glory; I’m experiencing that more and more as I put all my trust in You. 1 Cor:13 comes to mind: “No trial has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tried beyond what you can bear. But when you are tried, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” Thank you for preparing my heart and giving me the strength to endure the trials of life. As I recall the times of Your providential care and love, may my trust in You grow stronger each day,

98) Create In Me A Clean Heart

Lent is upon us, the season of prayer, fasting and almsgiving. It’s a season of repentance, allowing the Holy Spirit to search our hearts, find what needs God’s Hand of Mercy, and drawing us to the Sacrament of Reconciliation to be washed clean in preparation for the celebration of Easter! The phrase “blot out or sins” has always caused me to stop and pay attention – Ps 51:9b calls for God to “turn away Thy face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.” What would that look like? The answer came to me in a moment of grace a few years ago.

A friend shared that there was a particular memory that the enemy often brought to her mind, and which had always been a source of deep shame. It happened so long ago, but kept re-appearing at times when she was tempted to slip into desolation and forget that the Lord had forgiven her of that failure. She had confessed it in a general way, but never specifically, and felt that God was calling her to go deeper in repentance.

The opportunity presented itself on retreat with a holy priest. After a beautiful talk about the healing gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, she approached the confessional and shared in detail the specifics of the sin. The good priest heard her confession, blessed her for her desire to be cleansed of the residue from this transgression, and absolved her of this sin. She left the confessional feeling the weight lifted, and in gratitude went to the chapel for Adoration, to thank God for this deeper cleansing.

As she sat before the tabernacle, images began to play in her mind. She saw herself sitting there, with Mother Mary next to her, her arm gently encircling her. They sat together at the foot of a huge crucifix, and on her lap was a photo album with pictures of the sin she had confessed. These were the images that the enemy had often reminded her of and which had been the source of her shame. Then slowly and gently, drops of Jesus’ precious blood began to drip down from the crucifix, landing directly on the photos and blotting out the images. They were like bleach blots, that when they landed completely obliterated the pictures, until there were all just pure white. Pure white, innocence and purity restored!

She related that now whenever the enemy sought to resurrect those images, all she saw were the clean white photos in the album, and she was reminded of the drops of Jesus’ blood which had washed away her sins. It always filled her with great joy and peace, and the comfort of being held by Mary as she received this healing. It’s another sign of God’s ability to redeem, and to make all things new!

As I go to Reconciliation soon, in preparation to celebrate Christ’s Resurrection, I go in gratitude for this great gift of grace! Indeed, He “blots out all my iniquities!” and cleanses me from my sins – Praise God for His Goodness and Mercy!

Fifth Sorrowful Mystery – the Crucifixion

The opportunity for Reconciliation was always especially meaningful when celebrated at the Cenacle of Our Lady of Divine Providence – it seems that the Lord often would bring up things from the past that were stumbling blocks to grace.

At one of the sessions, I felt led to confess a sin of the past whose memory often haunted me. I had confessed it in a general way previously, but now felt the need to be more explicit about the experience. The priest was very helpful, as he assured me of God’s grace and mercy. In thanksgiving, I went to the Adoration Chapel to express my gratitude to the Lord.

As I sat before the tabernacle, the Lord gifted me with a beautiful image. I saw myself sitting on a bench beneath the Cross, with Mary sitting beside me with her arm around my shoulders. In my lap I held a photo album – in it were pictures of the situations I had confessed. Jesus was on the Cross above us, and as we sat there, His precious Blood began to drip down on the photos, and each drop totally erased the pictures, making them white as if a drop of bleach had been put on them. He was blotting out all those images with His precious Blood, so that I no longer saw them, but only saw a clean white frame, and felt the comfort of His Presence, and that of Our Blessed Mother. Now whenever the enemy seeks to raise those pictures before my eyes again, all I see is that image of us sitting beneath the Cross, with those drops of precious Blood that make each photo all white.

The Lord has blessed me several times by changing the way I remember a difficult experience. Asking Him to show me where He was with me, or what He was doing, have brought forth images that provide healing grace to painful moments in time, and have allowed me to become more free. What a beautiful way to bring healing, and to set the captives free!

Lord God, thank You that You are a God outside of Time, Who has been with us throughout our lives and can bring healing and wholeness to all areas of our lives. Thank You for the healing balm of Your precious Blood, to wash away the stain of sin ~