Psalm 51:12 A clean heart create for me O Lord…
How often I used to kick myself for the foolish word spoken, for the proverbial foot in the mouth! My intentions would be good, but the words just didn’t come out right. One such incidence remains in my mind as a blessing, and has helped me stop the chain of regret…
My husband’s uncle was dying of cancer, and I had been blessed to be assigned as his hospice volunteer. We had a fond relationship, but not a close one, so I was grateful for the opportunity to see him more often than I would have had I not been a volunteer. Uncle Clem was a very faithful Catholic, and spent much of his last days sitting quietly in his room praying the rosary. I thankfully don’t even remember what it was that I said, but I do remember that as soon as I said it, I knew the words had been poorly chosen, and I would have liked to have been able to retract them. It was time for me to leave however, and the opportunity was gone. As I left the house, I consoled myself with the thought that when I saw him next, I would have a chance to set things right.
That very night Clem died. The blessing comes in that instead of lamenting my lost chance to correct my failure, now I knew that Clem knew my heart, and he would know the true intention of my words and would not be hurt by the way they came out. Previously I may have been haunted by my lost opportunity, and reminded of all the things I wish I had said, all the deeds I wish I had done, all the foolish errors I had made. The enemy would have been delighted to continue to bring to mind all those “if only” memories! God in His mercy gave me a different perspective, and how grateful I am! Knowing that my intention had been good, and that Clem now knew this, brought a great sense of consolation and peace, as I truly loved him and had desired only to offer a blessing to him.
I find two beautiful truths coming to me from this experience. One is the lesson about the importance of guarding my heart, with the desire that what dwells there is only to extend love and blessing to others. I want my heart to be clean. I know that the Lord knows my heart always; may He continue to convict me when the thoughts that dwell there are displeasing to Him, and exchange them for a purity of intention that I would never be ashamed to have exposed.
Knowing that my thoughts are not always as pure as I would hope them to be, the Lord also offers the beautiful gift of Reconciliation. Again and again I’m reminded that we have a God of Redemption, Who can bring blessing from what the enemy would have promote evil. Our pastor often reminds us that God always has the last word, and I take great comfort in that! I believe He can take my meager efforts and correct what I may have messed up, and supply what I may have failed to provide. Every day, when I come to Him and review our time together, I can offer to Him those parts of the day where I recognize that I was off track, and not living within His will, as well as profound gratitude for the times when I was one with Him. The Sacrament of Reconciliation provides the grace of peace knowing I’m forgiven when I bring these sins of omission or commission to the Lord.
The second truth is in the reality of the communion of the saints! By God’s grace I knew that when Clem had died, he would know the intention of my heart. He would be able to see beyond the clumsy words, know the love which I had for him, and my desire to offer blessing with my words. The peace I experienced when this thought came to me gave me a sense of assurance that this was true, for I know the previous thoughts of self-condemnation and recrimination were not of God, but from the enemy. The bottom line lesson I return to is the desire that my thoughts and intentions be pure and clean, leaving no room for shame at being caught in an act of unkindness.
I had received the lesson of Reconciliation from the book by Brother Lawrence, PRACTICING THE PRESENCE OF GOD. He shared how of course he often failed to live a faultless Christian life, but wasn’t surprised at that. He knew his own weakness, and quickly turned to the Lord for forgiveness, and then went on his way, undisturbed by his weaknesses. It’s the second lesson that I learned from the experience with Clem that was new and beautiful for me; that when one crosses the veil and begins life anew on the other side, there comes a clarity to know truth in relation to others. How could I ever want anything other than a pure and clean heart? “Breathe on me O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy…. “
Lord God, thank You for continually calling me to holiness, and for the desire to be purified in heart and mind. May I grow in sensitivity to Your convicting grace, and cooperate fully with the gift of Reconciliation. Thank You for Your mercy and patience in leading me closer to Your own Heart that knows me perfectly…
Spiritual Sun Pennies 